For families, partners and friends · Adults 18+

Boundaries when someone you love has an addiction.

Protect your wellbeing without controlling another adult. A boundary is about what you will do, accept, refuse or step away from.

Common family patterns can include saying yes when you mean no, lending money to stop conflict, checking constantly, covering up, rescuing, or staying in conversations that have become unsafe.

When your mind goes blank, borrow the words

These are practical examples, not official scripts. Change them so they sound like you, and only use them when it is safe to speak.

1. When they ask for money“I care about you, and I am not giving or lending money. I can help with a practical option such as food, transport to an appointment, or finding support.”
2. When they blame you for their use“I hear that you are angry. Your drinking or drug use is not something I can control. I am willing to talk when we can do it without blaming or shouting.”
3. When they want an argument while intoxicated“I am not having this conversation while you are intoxicated. I am stepping away now. We can talk when you are sober and things are calmer.”
4. After another promise to change“I hope things change. For now, I need to make my decisions from what actually happens rather than promises.”
5. When asked to lie or cover for them“I am not going to lie or make excuses for this. I care about you, but I will not take responsibility for something that is yours to handle.”
6. When the conversation becomes threatening“I am ending this conversation now. I will speak with you when it is calm and safe. If I feel threatened, I will leave or get help.”
7. When they say they want help“If you want help finding treatment, a meeting, your GP, or a recovery service, I will help you look. I cannot do the recovery for you.”
8. When they come home intoxicated“I am not going to argue tonight. I am going to keep some space and protect the calm in this home. We can talk when you are sober.”

Keep it short. A boundary is usually clearer when it says what you will do. You do not have to win an argument for the boundary to matter.

Feeling guilty after setting a boundary does not automatically mean the boundary was wrong.

Set one in four steps

1. Name what keeps happeningOne thing only, such as being asked for money after a bad week.
2. Decide what you will doIt has to be something in your control. "I won't lend money" works. "You must stop asking" doesn't.
3. Say it once, when things are calmKeep it short, and don't argue the case.
4. Do what you saidThis is the hard part, and it's what makes it a boundary rather than a request.

If they push back

Expect it. Anger, guilt and promises are all common at first. You can repeat the same sentence and end the conversation. If you've never held a line before, it may get louder before it gets easier. If you feel afraid, your safety comes before any boundary. There are domestic abuse helplines here.

Not sure how to raise it at all? Start with how to talk to someone about their drinking or drug use.

If you need help now

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From Chris Nugent, Quiet Strength Recovery. This comes from lived experience of addiction and recovery.

For adults 18+. Peer support and education from lived experience. Not medical treatment, and not a replacement for professional or emergency help. Outside the UK, use your local emergency number.